Knottie's Niche» son

One Step Left

Knottie — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 00:44:24 +0000

If you have followed my blog for anytime you know about the “sign” that was made in Iraq by the LT of the engineering team Micheal had been escorting that day. That sign was hung on the FOB barracks in Memory of Micheal in April 2008 and when the guys came home I knew that a new group of Micheal’s Brothers were going t walk beneath that sign daily and remember him also.

About a year and a half ago I got the burr to bring the sign home. I would soon find out my son’s LT had already made the arrangements and in fact the sign was in the US at Ft Riley. The FOB it once was on had been dismantled and the Iraqis had taken control of the security in that area.. a success. ( BTW the Iraqi’s took over the JSS one year to the day after my son was killed. )

I then began the next step of the mission of getting the sign home to the 1-502^nd and my son’s military family. It was not made for me but for his brothers and as much as it honors him it honors them also. About a year ago the sign got to Bravo Co with the help of a 1SG and Col. and a very very kind CSM.

At that point the sign was entrusted to Micheal’s Platoon Leader Sgt. Les Fuller. Sgt. Fuller took it home and began the job of staining and polyurethane coating the sign to preserve it. Well today sgt Fuller finished the work on the sign. And it is GORGEOUS.. He and LT Watrin have truly honored my son.

Now we have one step left in the journey of this memorial to my son.. to get the barracks at Ft Campbell named for my son and the sign hung. No that is not true.. two steps are left.. I need to touch this sign.. I need to run my fingers along the letters. Then we can hang it and name a barracks.

This year I’m angry..

Knottie — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 01:10:56 +0000

Tomorrow marks three years since the Sgt. And Chaplain knocked on the door and uttered the most horrific words a military family can hear. The first year I was sad.. just plain sad. Last year I was sad and sentimental. This year I had made up my mind to celebrate my sweet son. But instead I’m mad as hell. The anger is so intense it physically hurts. I know the healthy thing to do is to channel the anger into something positive, which is what I usually do. Everyone who knows me knows I am all about turning the poison into medicine. But right now I just want to be mad. I want to scream and yell and hit someone and demand they tell me why I can’t hug my son. Why wasn’t he the best man at his brother’s wedding.. or there to convince him to take a little time and think it through more. I want to know why I can’t call him and tell him he is going to be an Uncle. I want to know why this nation is so damned ungrateful ( and yes I know many are grateful but more are not) I am just so angry. It’s not fair dammit! I shouldn’t be going to eat Chinese Thursday to remember him I should be packing a care package to send to him or having lunch with him. I should be calling him for no real reason and just checking on him.

I shouldn’t visit his grave and talking to people for a documentary trying to explain this young man to them. How do you explain who a person was.. How unique how special how individual… in words. Hearing about Micheal is not going to ever be the same experience as meeting him. But we will try. We will honor him through our memories and stories. And maybe someone will hear his story and try to be a better person in life to honor him. Or at least be grateful to be an American who had someone like him fight and die for them.

Tonight I build the walls to get me through tomorrow. This year we have one of his brothers in arms with us. And we will all sit and tell stories and look at pictures and celebrate Pokey. There will be hurt, sadness, laughter, tears and this year anger.

I miss you my sweet son..

This Gold Star Means Something

Knottie — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 04:36:15 +0000

“As a child I always worked hard for a Gold Star..Now I have one and I don’t want it”

Next month on Feb 24^th I will be marking the third year of my family being Gold Stars. We never wanted to be Gold Stars… no one wants to be. In the past years I faced far too often people who have no idea what this Gold Star means. Early on I had a mother on an Army mom support group demand to know why I thought I was so special as to give myself a gold star and demand to know how she too could get one. I stepped away from my computer in tears after reading that email praying this woman never got one. She was very contrite upon being educated. I have had people ask me if my Gold Star service flag in my window was a “Jewish” thing. My husband has been teased by co-workers about how he must be so special to receive a Gold Star parent license plate.

These are just a few of my stories. I have heard similar stories from other Gold star families. So it now my mission to educate the American public…

Since WW1 when our nation has been at war, service flags have been flown in the windows of military families. These flags are a message to the community… it is bordered in Red and the center is a field of white…in the field of white is a Star for each member of the family serving. A Blue Star represents someone serving. A Silver Star means that someone in that family has been wounded in combat. A Gold Star is representative of a Fallen family member.

Imagine a family, who has buried someone they love very much who fought and died for this nation, having to explain repeatedly what the Gold Star they display or wear means. Imagine the pain they feel when people make truly innocent comments that in reality make us feel they do not care that there are men and women fighting and dying for this nation… for them! It’s not anger that makes me write this but pain. You see my son died for something he believed completely in, this Nation, and there are people who are so unaware that lives have been given they don’t even know what a 100 year old symbol born in this nation means. It’s not just the Gold Star we need to educate people on but the real sacrifice and great love of nation that bore that star.

A New Year

Knottie — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 03:41:45 +0000

For nearly three years now there have been several big boxes of cards, letters, newspaper clippings and other things attached to Micheal’s passing sitting in my room. I never had the heart to really go through it all nor dd I have the heart to put them away properly. On occasion I would read a few of the cards and notes. There was also a box of Micheal’s things. Shoes, clothes.. stuff. It just sat there in our bedroom. Today I decided it was time to store it all. There is no way I can give it away or throw it way but its time to move it to storage so I have.

When I began the project I had no idea how emotional it was going to be. I was just cleaning after all. No big deal.. Its almost as if I kept them all handy just in case he came home (or I woke up) and I could show him how loved and missed he was. But it hit me that he will never read the kind words.. he will never need his swim trunks or backpack again.. But its been nearly three years and its time for our bedroom to be ours again. Not a storage room. I will forever have the memorial table in the livingroom and I will keep the very special pesonal affects in the chest the Army had made for us.

I suppose I am doing this now because of a few reasons.. one is the New Year is upon us and I want to start it off fresh with a new attitude. Its time for me to fully focus on moving forward and stop hanging on to the pain…time to make my grief a companion and not a burden. Also my second oldest son got married a few days before Christmas. He and his wife have reminded me of the importance of seeking joy and hope. I know they will have struggles but I also know that struggles help us grow and appreciate the blessings in our lives all the more. Losing Micheal was and still is my hardest struggle.. but I need to focus on the blessings and lessons of it. Not just the pain of it.

So the bedroom is cleaned out.. and some of my daily reminders are packed away. The pain is still with me and always will be but the heavy burden of allowing it to clutter my life is some what lifted.

“An Ugly Pair of Shoes”

Knottie — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 18:31:51 +0000

“An Ugly Pair of Shoes”

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

Iranian Bounties On US Troops Shouldn’t be a Shock

Knottie — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 02:46:37 +0000

The headline this morning was Iran pays Taliban fighters in Afghanistan $1000 per head to kill U.S. soldier My first reaction was “No kidding” but as the day goes on and I see more and more people posting this headline and reacting in shock I became more and more annoyed. I want to know where these people have been for the past 7 years while Iran was funding, training, proving fighters and weapons to kill our troops in Iraq. It gets better though.. Iran bankrolls Hezbollah and Hamas too. Shocked? I’m not.

Where was the outrage last year when Obama released Qais Khazali ? Who is Qais Khazali you ask… “Qais Khazali is best known as the former leader of the Iran-backed Special Groups in Iraq from June 2006 until his capture by American forces in March 2007. As head of the Special Groups, Khazali directed arms smuggling, formation of death squads to participate in sectarian violence, kidnappings, and assassinations, most notably the January 20, 2007 attack on American forces in Karbala. A former follower of Moqtada al-Sadr, he was expelled from the Mahdi Army in 2004 for giving “unauthorized orders,” subsequently forming Asa’ib Ahl al-Haq. As head of the Special Groups, he reported to Hajji Yusif, deputy commander of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard’s Quds Force, Department of External Special Operations.” (Wikipedia ) His work in setting up the Iran Iraq connection was key bringing in EFPs (explosive forced projectiles ) to the Sadr City and Shulla Iraq areas, where my son was killed. Yes the Iranian connection is very personal for me.

Why did Pres. Obama release him? Well he traded him for a British journalist that the British government refused to negotiate with terrorist for. Full story on that here: So much for the US not negotiate with terrorist huh? Pres. Obama not only negotiated he gave them back one of their key bad guys who is responsible for so many deaths of our troops.

For years now I have spoken out about how Iran government is funding the majority of terrorism we battle in the world today. especially their role in Iraq. They have been funding the murder of our military men and women for years and for people to be shocked and surprised by today’s headline makes me wonder how we are going to stop this growth of terror and jihad if something like this can go on for years and now just now people are taking note.

Yes Iran is paying bounties on our troops. This is not new information or even a new mode of operation for Iran. But I guess for most Americans it means we may end up in a war with Iran and that is just scary to them… well guess what, we are at war with Iran and have been for many years. I am mad as hell that Iran is putting bounties on our troops. But I’m not surprised. I am a little surprised that this is just now becoming headline news. It’s disappointing that American’s are so out of touch with what our troops face and fight every day.

What keeps playing in my head is that now that we have drawn down in Iraq, Iran will become more powerful there. The Shias will most assuredly be funded by Iran and once again the people of Iraq will fall under evil and sadistic rule like the people of Iran face daily. My only hope is we can have their backs enough in the coming years to help them stand up for themselves and fight for the freedom to live life without fear. I hope my son and all the others did not sacrifice in vain. The only way we can truly win this war is to face the realities of it.

Mahdi fighters funded by Iran in Iraq

Pokey and the Packers…

Knottie — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 01:24:08 +0000

Sitting here watching the Green Bay Packers play I can’t help but think about Micheal. The last night we spent with Micheal we watched the Packers play. Oct.7^th 2007 They played the Bears.. I can’t remember who won. I just remember he and his Dad and his brothers in my dad’s living room on the edge of the couch watching the game.

Many months later his team Leader Sgt W would tell me that during playoff in Jan. 08 he was up in the middle of the night alone watching TV..

“Hey Phillips, why aren’t you sleeping?”

“It’s the Packers”

As if that explained everything.

I laughed when the story was told me. I can see him alone in the TV room at the FOB in Iraq watching the playoff game.. yelling at the play. Micheal was such a huge Packer fan. I guess that comes from the years of living in Green Bay just a few blocks from Lambeau field. And I am sure watching them play was a connection to home for him.

Honestly there is not much in life that doesn’t in some way bring back a memory or remind me of Micheal but certain things really open the flood gates of emotions and make the emptiness and missing him palatable. Most of the time I can watch the Packers and be ok. Tonight however I miss Micheal very much. I wish he was here with me yelling at the TV and cheering the Packers on.

In an odd way watching the Packers play is a small connection to Micheal no one can ever take from me. Someday I will go back to Green Bay and watch the Packers play live. Not sure how but when I do I will find a way to honor Micheal and leave his mark on Lambeau field.

Go Pack Go.

Footnote:

It just occurred to me.. I am going to ask the Packers to all wear a rubberband on their wrist in memory of Pokey and all his Fallen brothers during one game this season.

Take Luck Harding…I Miss You Son

Knottie — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 03:23:29 +0000

A few days after Micheal was killed we got a call from Iraq.. I knew the number was from Iraq I had spent the last months waiting for that 1191 to show up on my phone. I had to ask 3 times for the young man’s name. He was obviously emotional, PFC Mark Harding was on the other end. I knew the name. Micheal had mentioned him often. He was one of the three amigos. Fagan, Harding and Phillips.. the morale team. Self appointed. We spoke for some time. Both of us cried together both of us searched for the answer to why that day. He became my son that day.

Mark was one of the first to come to our home. He came for New Years 2009. My son David didn’t want to meet any of the guys. But he and Mark hit it off. You see Mark was one of those people you just had to love. I remember sitting with Mark at Ihop eating breakfast and having a conversation no 19 yr old kid should be having. I remember thinking his heart was too caring for infantry. He had so much love.

I have videos of Mark goofing off with my son and the other guys. I have pictures of his beautiful smile. I have cried with this young man. Laughed with him and sat in silence with him. He would call me and tell me about where he was in life. He had gotten out of the Army and had some difficulty adjusting back to civilian life. Just like most of the guys do. Last time I talked to him he was working and happy. Moving forward and living again.

Saturday may 30th 2010 just 15 days after his 21st birthday Mark was removed from life support. He had survived combat in Iraq, survived the demons of coming home only to sub come to a sinus infection. His family made the most difficult decision any family has ever faced. In his death he has saved the life of 7 people through organ donations.

When news came it spread quickly among his Army brothers. No one wanted to believe it. Everyone was heartbroken. Mark was the youngest and they all were protective of him but they also respected him. His brothers rallied and began to gather their pictures to share with the family. Others volunteered to gather a proper Class A uniform for him to be buried in and drive 14 hours to make sure it was there in time. Mark was that loved and respected.
I have lost another son.. my heart aches. Mark touched my heart. I am trying to find comfort in knowing that he missed Micheal as much as I do and that they are together. Heaven has two very special angels.. both my sons.

Take Luck Harding.. I love you. Hug Pokey for me.. and save me a place at the campfire.

How can you not love that smile?

Remembering on Memorial Day

Knottie — Sat, 29 May 2010 21:50:31 +0000

A few days ago I received a message from an Army medic.

Angelia.. I tried so hard not to make memorial day a day for Moms to have to remember. I tried really hard to make sure it was a day their sons and daughters came home to see them, not the other way around. I just feel like crap this time of year.

It tore my heart out because I know to him he is seeing Memorial Day as a mark of his failures. I want nothing more than to make him understand that he never failed. He did it all perfectly and yes there were those who died but not because he did not do his job well, perfectly, but because sometimes they were just too broken to fix.

I know he and many others who served are not only remembering our Fallen this weekend but wrestling with their demons and yes even remembering the times of laughter and brotherhood. I hope they will focus on the memories of laughter and make Memorial Day a day more about celebrating those we lost and the lives they lived even as we mourn them. Even in death they are touching lives if we celebrate them and share their stories.

I went to the cemetery today to visit my son and place the proper 6 flags for a Fallen soldier that are placed for Memorial Day. I hate that I know these traditions now but I am also grateful there are such traditions. I know that now that my son is one who is to be remembered on Memorial Day the meaning of the day is more powerful to me than ever before.

Yes there will be BBQs and get togethers. There will be laughter and fun.. there will be celebrations. I only ask that while you enjoy these celebrations think of those who served.. those who wrote a check to this nation payable up to and including their lives. Remember they gave their tomorrows for your today.

Honor and Remember those who have gone before us in protection of all those things we hold dear in this Nation.

If you can save for them a place inside of you and save one backward glance when you are leaving for the places they can no longer go. Be not ashamed to say you loved them, though you may or may not have always. Take what they have taught you with their dying and keep it with your own, and in that time when men decide and feel safe to call the war insane, take one moment to embrace those gentle heroes you left behind. ( Via Chris Hill)

Enjoy Your Vacation Mr. President

Knottie — Wed, 26 May 2010 01:29:53 +0000

Memorial Day is next Monday. It is a day to remember and honor those who have given the ultimate sacrifice in service of this nation. It is tradition that a wreath is laid at the memorial in Arlington each year .

I started quite the rant earlier this evening about how Pres. Obama is not going to be laying the wreath at Arlington on Memorial Day so he can go to Chicago and have a vacation.

I was infuriated when I read Pres. Obama was going to a family get together rather than Honor our Fallen as Commander and Chief. My first thought was “unforgivable”. Now I know he will not be the first President to not attend the wreath laying. But others had reasons that were not “vacations”. Then I thought about Pres. Obama’s treatment of our troops and it occurred to me that if he does lay the wreath it will be play acting as he has no gratitude for those who it is laid in Honor of. It would be fake and I don’t want that wreath laid for my son and his brothers and sisters by someone who so obviously despises everything my son stood for and died for.

Pres. Obama’s loathing of our troops has been evident from the very beginning of his presidency when he was the First President to skip the Inauguration night ball Honoring Medal of Honor Recipients in over 50 years. Then there was his punishment of Gen. Stanly McChyrstal for publicly outing the fact he had ignored our Military commanders request for more troops in Afghanistan by making them wait months for an answer which was simple. That cost more lives than we probably know. Then there is the treasonous Rules of Engagement imposed on our troops.

It would be the greats Honor of my life to lay that wreath. I would be humbled to simply attend the service. But you see I love those men. I may not know their names but I know them. They are my son’s brothers and they stood and died for the same Love of Nation he did.

Enjoy your vacation Mr. President. Someday I hope you realize you are free to do so because of the men you refuse to honor.In the meantime I am glad someone with an ounce of respect for our troops is laying the Wreath at Arlington this Memorial Day.

THANK YOU to those who lay in peace now.. Thank you so very much my dear sons and daughters