I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable Shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get [...]]]> “An Ugly Pair of Shoes”

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

Last night through the men and families of the Company my son served with and I have adopted as my extended family I found out we had [...]]]> You may read this and think I am insane or that the grief has finally pushed me over the edge but I feel I have to share this story.

Last night through the men and families of the Company my son served with and I have adopted as my extended family I found out we had lost two of ours. I will not post the names yet as the Dept. of Defense hasn’t made those names public. I wouldn’t discuss their death except I know the families have been officially notified.

To say this news upset me is an understatement. My heart broke at the news, for those two men, for their families, for their brothers in arms and for this nation.  Having heard this news through the Army family grapevine I prayed it was a rumor that the news was exaggerated. I held on to hope they were only injured. Well this morning I read that 5 NATO troops had been killed in Afghanistan yesterday, two of them US Army. This news report and word from those in the company in Afghanistan confirmed what I knew.

I read this news on the AP wire and walked away from my computer to accept it.  As soon as had I stepped away from the computer having read this I heard Micheal’s voice clearly say “They’re here.”  It wasn’t a whisper, it wasn’t sad, it was comforting.  Like when you have lost your child in a crowd and someone says those words that calm you, “They’re here”.  And I knew they were with him. There was a certain peace in the words.  He was telling me they were safe and at peace with him now. On Army Guardian Angel duty.

Am I crazy? Maybe.  Maybe I just so needed to hear it I did. Doesn’t matter…  All I know for sure is they are there… where ever there is.

I will update this with a proper tribute to the two men as soon as DoD officially releases their names.  In the meantime… send comfort to their families and honor them by taking care of their brothers still fighting in Afghanistan.

http://www.defense.gov/releases/release.aspx?releaseid=13722

Angelia.. I tried so hard not to make memorial day a day for Moms to have to remember. I tried really hard to make sure it was a day their sons and daughters came home to see them, not the other way around. I [...]]]> A few days ago I received a message from an Army medic.

Angelia.. I tried so hard not to make memorial day a day for Moms to have to remember. I tried really hard to make sure it was a day their sons and daughters came home to see them, not the other way around. I just feel like crap this time of year.

It tore my heart out because I know to him he is seeing Memorial Day as a mark of his failures. I want nothing more than to make him understand that he never failed. He did it all perfectly and yes there were those who died but not because he did not do his job well, perfectly, but because sometimes they were just too broken to fix.

I know he and many others who served are not only remembering our Fallen this weekend but wrestling with their demons and yes even remembering the times of laughter and brotherhood. I hope they will focus on the memories of laughter and make Memorial Day a day more about celebrating those we lost and the lives they lived even as we mourn them. Even in death they are touching lives if we celebrate them and share their stories.

I went to the cemetery today to visit my son and place the proper 6 flags for a Fallen soldier that are placed for Memorial Day. I hate that I know these traditions now but I am also grateful there are such traditions. I know that now that my son is one who is to be remembered on Memorial Day the meaning of the day is more powerful to me than ever before.

Yes there will be BBQs and get togethers. There will be laughter and fun.. there will be celebrations. I only ask that while you enjoy these celebrations think of those who served.. those who wrote a check to this nation payable up to and including their lives. Remember they gave their tomorrows for your today.

Honor and Remember those who have gone before us in protection of all those things we hold dear in this Nation.

If you can save for them a place inside of you and save one backward glance when you are leaving for the places they can no longer go. Be not ashamed to say you loved them, though you may or may not have always. Take what they have taught you with their dying and keep it with your own, and in that time when men decide and feel safe to call the war insane, take one moment to embrace those gentle heroes you left behind. ( Via Chris Hill)

It has been over 2 years since I have heard your voice ( not on video) and over  2 years since I last hugged you. I know in my heart you knew you were loved. I hope you knew how proud of you I was and am. But I don’t think you ever realized [...]]]> Dear Micheal

It has been over 2 years since I have heard your voice ( not on video) and over  2 years since I last hugged you. I know in my heart you knew you were loved. I hope you knew how proud of you I was and am. But I don’t think you ever realized how much a part of our lives you were. What a huge gaping hole losing you has left in the fabric of our lives.

I watch David wondering through life waiting for it to happen and know that you would have been the one he would have listened to. We can tell him over and over again he has to make it happen but it would have been you that made him stop waiting and start doing.. He has no clue what blessings he has. And he can’t see them through his grief. You would have rubbed his nose in them till he did. No one else was or is able to do that the way you could.

I see Anthony growing up without you to take him on outings like you use to and know he is missing out on the many things you would have taught him. He still forgets sometimes and asks about you. When you will be home and if you are still fighting bad guys. Then he remembers…  I still remember the day right before you deployed when he asked me to call the Army and tell them to fire you so you didn’t have to go to Iraq. I wish I had… His lizard died a few months back. He acted like it didn’t bother him but he buried it in the backyard next to the cross there in your memory. He asked if the lizard was your pet now. I know you hate reptiles but deal with it till he comes to take over ok?

I see Bob growing up and becoming a young woman and know that in some small part of her heart and mind she compares boys to you. Or at least wonders if you would approve. Oh and there have been boys I wanted to call you and ask you to come scare off. Something about a big brother who is accurate with a weapon that makes the boys behave or go away. A few of your platoon mates have sort of tried to fill in there though. She doesn’t talk about you much. I think maybe she is still in some denial.  I know she misses you terribly.

I see your Dad hurting and blaming himself because his generation didn’t fix the world, as if they could. He wanted you to have a better life.. that is all a parent ever wants for their kids. And I think part of him is just so damned angry that you didn’t even really get a chance to live. I know I am.

I see your friends getting married and starting families and I am happy for them but a part of me is mad as hell you didn’t get to do those things.

Then I see the kids who are never going to do anything but be a burden on society. Roaming the streets and getting arrested and I wonder why such a waste lives and you died.

In some ways you are still touching our lives. Inspiring me to write about it all so others can maybe have a little more compassion and understanding. Or maybe another family can see that they are not alone and although there is no right way or checklist for this we all have similar emotions and challenges. You inspired me to reach out to your brothers in arms also. One of the letters from the command in Iraq said their first thought was that if it had been anyone else but you, you would have been the one to rally everyone and boost morale. And that in a way you did just that when the guys sat and shared the stories of you antics. Every time I find out a new detail or hear a new story I am inspired by you.

I know you had so many dreams and plans. And I know you would have done it all.

You are so missed…
I love you
Mom

Dear Pres. Bush,

I’ve put off writing this letter for two years but two events this week have made me see that I truly need share my words.  One was walking into the middle of [...]]]> I was not going to post this but decided maybe I should. It is a letter to Former Pres. George W Bush.

Dear Pres. Bush,

I’ve put off writing this letter for two years but two events this week have made me see that I truly need share my words.  One was walking into the middle of an anti-war protest; the other was receiving a beautiful gift that honored my Fallen son.

Thank you. Thank you for being a strong Commander and Chief of this nation.  My son, Spc Micheal Phillips served under you and respected you a great deal.  On 24 Feb 08 he was killed in the line of duty in Iraq. I will not go into the details as they are not necessary nor what I want to share with you. You see I choose to celebrate my son’s life and the man he was and the gifts (his brothers in arms being the most precious of those gifts)  he left behind for me. I honor him not by mourning but by taking care of his brothers in arms still serving, their families and those who come home, especially our wounded.  I have seen you do just that and when I hear the stories of your visits to our wounded and their families I feel you are honoring my son too. Again Thank You.

At 17 years of age my son knew why we had gone to fight this war on terror. He loved studying history and was well educated in it. He saw through his studies how the attacks of terror had grown more and more bold over many year while far too many appeased or ignored them.  He saw the abuse of the people of Iraq and was infuriated by it. You see my son hated bullies more than anything and he saw the terrorist as the ultimate bullies.

Earlier this week when I walked into the middle of a war protest, I was not prepared to face, I realized how much you have faced over the years.  It strikes me that as emotional as seeing it was for me you too had to have had a similar reaction to the hateful angry words spewed unfairly at you.   In that moment I realized I needed to thank you and assure you that as a military parent I understand why you made the choices you did as President and I still support those choices.

Someday I would like to shake your hand and thank you personally.  I would also like to share with you a little about my son and who he was. I would like to tell you about his brothers in arms and how 2 years after my son’s death they still call Momma Ang and share their love and lives with me.   I lost one son and gained a company of sons to help fill the hole in my life.  As much as I miss my son and hurt for him I am that proud of him and the job he did. And I am proud to say he served under a Commander and Chief who was as strong as he was and who understood the American values and the Humanity of having to take on this fight.

This was not your war. This was not America’s war.. this was and is Humanity’s war.  Hopefully more people will understand that soon.  I fear for us all if they do not.

Respectfully,

Angelia Phillips
Gold Star Mom of
SPC Micheal “Pokey” Phillips
KIA 24 Feb. 2008
Shulla, Iraq
http://knottiesniche.com/