Knottie's Niche» Pokey

One Step Left

Knottie — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 00:44:24 +0000

If you have followed my blog for anytime you know about the “sign” that was made in Iraq by the LT of the engineering team Micheal had been escorting that day. That sign was hung on the FOB barracks in Memory of Micheal in April 2008 and when the guys came home I knew that a new group of Micheal’s Brothers were going t walk beneath that sign daily and remember him also.

About a year and a half ago I got the burr to bring the sign home. I would soon find out my son’s LT had already made the arrangements and in fact the sign was in the US at Ft Riley. The FOB it once was on had been dismantled and the Iraqis had taken control of the security in that area.. a success. ( BTW the Iraqi’s took over the JSS one year to the day after my son was killed. )

I then began the next step of the mission of getting the sign home to the 1-502^nd and my son’s military family. It was not made for me but for his brothers and as much as it honors him it honors them also. About a year ago the sign got to Bravo Co with the help of a 1SG and Col. and a very very kind CSM.

At that point the sign was entrusted to Micheal’s Platoon Leader Sgt. Les Fuller. Sgt. Fuller took it home and began the job of staining and polyurethane coating the sign to preserve it. Well today sgt Fuller finished the work on the sign. And it is GORGEOUS.. He and LT Watrin have truly honored my son.

Now we have one step left in the journey of this memorial to my son.. to get the barracks at Ft Campbell named for my son and the sign hung. No that is not true.. two steps are left.. I need to touch this sign.. I need to run my fingers along the letters. Then we can hang it and name a barracks.

This year I’m angry..

Knottie — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 01:10:56 +0000

Tomorrow marks three years since the Sgt. And Chaplain knocked on the door and uttered the most horrific words a military family can hear. The first year I was sad.. just plain sad. Last year I was sad and sentimental. This year I had made up my mind to celebrate my sweet son. But instead I’m mad as hell. The anger is so intense it physically hurts. I know the healthy thing to do is to channel the anger into something positive, which is what I usually do. Everyone who knows me knows I am all about turning the poison into medicine. But right now I just want to be mad. I want to scream and yell and hit someone and demand they tell me why I can’t hug my son. Why wasn’t he the best man at his brother’s wedding.. or there to convince him to take a little time and think it through more. I want to know why I can’t call him and tell him he is going to be an Uncle. I want to know why this nation is so damned ungrateful ( and yes I know many are grateful but more are not) I am just so angry. It’s not fair dammit! I shouldn’t be going to eat Chinese Thursday to remember him I should be packing a care package to send to him or having lunch with him. I should be calling him for no real reason and just checking on him.

I shouldn’t visit his grave and talking to people for a documentary trying to explain this young man to them. How do you explain who a person was.. How unique how special how individual… in words. Hearing about Micheal is not going to ever be the same experience as meeting him. But we will try. We will honor him through our memories and stories. And maybe someone will hear his story and try to be a better person in life to honor him. Or at least be grateful to be an American who had someone like him fight and die for them.

Tonight I build the walls to get me through tomorrow. This year we have one of his brothers in arms with us. And we will all sit and tell stories and look at pictures and celebrate Pokey. There will be hurt, sadness, laughter, tears and this year anger.

I miss you my sweet son..

A New Year

Knottie — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 03:41:45 +0000

For nearly three years now there have been several big boxes of cards, letters, newspaper clippings and other things attached to Micheal’s passing sitting in my room. I never had the heart to really go through it all nor dd I have the heart to put them away properly. On occasion I would read a few of the cards and notes. There was also a box of Micheal’s things. Shoes, clothes.. stuff. It just sat there in our bedroom. Today I decided it was time to store it all. There is no way I can give it away or throw it way but its time to move it to storage so I have.

When I began the project I had no idea how emotional it was going to be. I was just cleaning after all. No big deal.. Its almost as if I kept them all handy just in case he came home (or I woke up) and I could show him how loved and missed he was. But it hit me that he will never read the kind words.. he will never need his swim trunks or backpack again.. But its been nearly three years and its time for our bedroom to be ours again. Not a storage room. I will forever have the memorial table in the livingroom and I will keep the very special pesonal affects in the chest the Army had made for us.

I suppose I am doing this now because of a few reasons.. one is the New Year is upon us and I want to start it off fresh with a new attitude. Its time for me to fully focus on moving forward and stop hanging on to the pain…time to make my grief a companion and not a burden. Also my second oldest son got married a few days before Christmas. He and his wife have reminded me of the importance of seeking joy and hope. I know they will have struggles but I also know that struggles help us grow and appreciate the blessings in our lives all the more. Losing Micheal was and still is my hardest struggle.. but I need to focus on the blessings and lessons of it. Not just the pain of it.

So the bedroom is cleaned out.. and some of my daily reminders are packed away. The pain is still with me and always will be but the heavy burden of allowing it to clutter my life is some what lifted.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

Knottie — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 05:20:46 +0000

This blog is mostly about my son but tonight I feel the need to talk about two things my son loved the military and his Uncles. You see Pokey’s Uncle and his “husband” are gay. Been together forever.. they are the “Uncles” and very much loved by our family and we are richer for having these two wonderful men in our lives. Now mind you Pokey never understood how a person could be gay.. but he trusted me enough to accept that his Uncle was born that way and it did not make him a bad person..just different.. just like his Auntie is black.. not the exact same but still someone we love. In time all my kids learned to accept people for how they treated them and others not for some difference that they had not control over. ( if you plan on leaving a stupid comment at this point about being gay being a choice don’t bother I won’t publish it. ) The other thing Pokey loved was the military.

OK that said… there has been much discussion over Don’t Ask Don’t Tell being repealed. And many people have asked my opinion.. so here it is

The military is suppose to be about honor and integrity.. yet we ask many people who serve to lie about who they are. Gay people do not lack self control and will not be hitting on others simply because they no longer have to hide who they are. These men and women are the same people they were before, the only thing that has changed is others can no longer witch hunt them and remove them from serving this nation just as honorably as anyone else.

When less than 1% of our population volunteer to serve I don’t see how the other 99% get to bitch about a gay person serving. If you really don’t want them serving maybe you should go fill the spot they would be. They are willing to write a check to this Nation up to and including their lives.. Gay or Straight should not and does not matter! Its their honor and selfless love of this nation that matters. You people should be ashamed of yourself for complaining about men and women who are willing to die for your freedom simply because you don’t like who they may fall in love with.

We are a nation built on FREEDOM. That means people get to live their lives as they see fit without the approval of others as long as they do not cost others their freedoms. You do not have to like Gay people.. but you don’t get to take their freedoms from them because you don’t like them. If you don’t like homosexuality and disapprove by all means don’t be gay!

My Companion… Grief

Knottie — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 05:42:33 +0000

She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. ~George Eliot

I have spent over 2 and a half years reading quotes looking for that one pearl of wisdom that will make it ok. I read this quote some months ago and at that time I thought I had achieved this.. or something close to it. At least I presented to the world that I had and if you tell a lie enough you begin to believe it yourself. I at least realized that I needed to make my grief and hurt a companion because it will be with me for all my days. Lately though as I talk to other Gold Star parents and widows I wonder if this is truly possible.. can we make grief our companion? Does this hurt ever become something of a comfort to us? I have to wonder that if we ever stop hurting, does it mean we have forgotten? And if that is true should we not embrace the grief and its pain, make it our companion and find comfort in it on some level?

So here I sit at nearly 1 in the morning.. missing my son terribly and reading the comments of other mothers who are enduring the same pain for their own sons and daughters as my mind wonders to trying to find some possible answer to how to live with this never ending pain. Trying to find some words of comfort for them also and the I only conclusion I can come to is that we need to embrace the pain and grief. Find comfort in it and accept it as our companion. Let it share our thoughts and know that it will be with us always. And because the grief and pain is with us our love for the one we have lost is with us … they are with us and they too our companion and sharer of our thoughts.

Who Knew… 3 Years

Knottie — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 15:47:35 +0000

You can listen to some songs a 1000 times and then one day they hit you with a whole new meaning. I’ve mentioned this before but again it has happened to me.

While driving the song “Who Knew” by Pink came on the radio. “if someone said three years from now you’d be long gone I would stand up and punch them out cause their all wrong. Who knew..” “Count your blessings now before their all gone” and it hit me.

Three years ago today I hugged my son goodbye. It has been three years and it seems like only last week and forever ago we stood there him telling me not to cry he would be fine. And in that moment if anyone would have said in three years he would be gone from me I would have punched them out. I want that moment back so much. Not just for me but for my whole family. For Micheal.

Today I am trying to celebrate the times we had with Micheal. The laughter and joy he brought to our lives. I’m trying not to let the missing him overwhelm me. And as always he has orchestrated life to help me. Yesterday the Barracks sign made it home to his Strike family. It has taken almost two years but it’s where it belongs now. It’s as if the last piece of him is finally at peace and home.

“An Ugly Pair of Shoes”

Knottie — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 18:31:51 +0000

“An Ugly Pair of Shoes”

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

Pokey and the Packers…

Knottie — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 01:24:08 +0000

Sitting here watching the Green Bay Packers play I can’t help but think about Micheal. The last night we spent with Micheal we watched the Packers play. Oct.7^th 2007 They played the Bears.. I can’t remember who won. I just remember he and his Dad and his brothers in my dad’s living room on the edge of the couch watching the game.

Many months later his team Leader Sgt W would tell me that during playoff in Jan. 08 he was up in the middle of the night alone watching TV..

“Hey Phillips, why aren’t you sleeping?”

“It’s the Packers”

As if that explained everything.

I laughed when the story was told me. I can see him alone in the TV room at the FOB in Iraq watching the playoff game.. yelling at the play. Micheal was such a huge Packer fan. I guess that comes from the years of living in Green Bay just a few blocks from Lambeau field. And I am sure watching them play was a connection to home for him.

Honestly there is not much in life that doesn’t in some way bring back a memory or remind me of Micheal but certain things really open the flood gates of emotions and make the emptiness and missing him palatable. Most of the time I can watch the Packers and be ok. Tonight however I miss Micheal very much. I wish he was here with me yelling at the TV and cheering the Packers on.

In an odd way watching the Packers play is a small connection to Micheal no one can ever take from me. Someday I will go back to Green Bay and watch the Packers play live. Not sure how but when I do I will find a way to honor Micheal and leave his mark on Lambeau field.

Go Pack Go.

Footnote:

It just occurred to me.. I am going to ask the Packers to all wear a rubberband on their wrist in memory of Pokey and all his Fallen brothers during one game this season.

They’re Here (Updated)

Knottie — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 02:06:18 +0000

You may read this and think I am insane or that the grief has finally pushed me over the edge but I feel I have to share this story.

Last night through the men and families of the Company my son served with and I have adopted as my extended family I found out we had lost two of ours. I will not post the names yet as the Dept. of Defense hasn’t made those names public. I wouldn’t discuss their death except I know the families have been officially notified.

To say this news upset me is an understatement. My heart broke at the news, for those two men, for their families, for their brothers in arms and for this nation. Having heard this news through the Army family grapevine I prayed it was a rumor that the news was exaggerated. I held on to hope they were only injured. Well this morning I read that 5 NATO troops had been killed in Afghanistan yesterday, two of them US Army. This news report and word from those in the company in Afghanistan confirmed what I knew.

I read this news on the AP wire and walked away from my computer to accept it. As soon as had I stepped away from the computer having read this I heard Micheal’s voice clearly say “They’re here.” It wasn’t a whisper, it wasn’t sad, it was comforting. Like when you have lost your child in a crowd and someone says those words that calm you, “They’re here”. And I knew they were with him. There was a certain peace in the words. He was telling me they were safe and at peace with him now. On Army Guardian Angel duty.

Am I crazy? Maybe. Maybe I just so needed to hear it I did. Doesn’t matter… All I know for sure is they are there… where ever there is.

I will update this with a proper tribute to the two men as soon as DoD officially releases their names. In the meantime… send comfort to their families and honor them by taking care of their brothers still fighting in Afghanistan.

http://www.defense.gov/releases/release.aspx?releaseid=13722

The Department of Defense announced today the deaths of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom.

They died July 15 in Kandahar, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when enemy forces attacked their unit with an improvised explosive device. They were assigned to the 1st Battalion, 502nd Infantry Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault), Fort Campbell, Ky.

Killed were:

Sgt. 1st Class John H. Jarrell, 32, of Brunson, S.C.

Sgt. Leston M. Winters, 30, of Sour Lake, Texas.

Remembering on Memorial Day

Knottie — Sat, 29 May 2010 21:50:31 +0000

A few days ago I received a message from an Army medic.

Angelia.. I tried so hard not to make memorial day a day for Moms to have to remember. I tried really hard to make sure it was a day their sons and daughters came home to see them, not the other way around. I just feel like crap this time of year.

It tore my heart out because I know to him he is seeing Memorial Day as a mark of his failures. I want nothing more than to make him understand that he never failed. He did it all perfectly and yes there were those who died but not because he did not do his job well, perfectly, but because sometimes they were just too broken to fix.

I know he and many others who served are not only remembering our Fallen this weekend but wrestling with their demons and yes even remembering the times of laughter and brotherhood. I hope they will focus on the memories of laughter and make Memorial Day a day more about celebrating those we lost and the lives they lived even as we mourn them. Even in death they are touching lives if we celebrate them and share their stories.

I went to the cemetery today to visit my son and place the proper 6 flags for a Fallen soldier that are placed for Memorial Day. I hate that I know these traditions now but I am also grateful there are such traditions. I know that now that my son is one who is to be remembered on Memorial Day the meaning of the day is more powerful to me than ever before.

Yes there will be BBQs and get togethers. There will be laughter and fun.. there will be celebrations. I only ask that while you enjoy these celebrations think of those who served.. those who wrote a check to this nation payable up to and including their lives. Remember they gave their tomorrows for your today.

Honor and Remember those who have gone before us in protection of all those things we hold dear in this Nation.

If you can save for them a place inside of you and save one backward glance when you are leaving for the places they can no longer go. Be not ashamed to say you loved them, though you may or may not have always. Take what they have taught you with their dying and keep it with your own, and in that time when men decide and feel safe to call the war insane, take one moment to embrace those gentle heroes you left behind. ( Via Chris Hill)