Knottie's Niche» Army

One Step Left

Knottie — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 00:44:24 +0000

If you have followed my blog for anytime you know about the “sign” that was made in Iraq by the LT of the engineering team Micheal had been escorting that day. That sign was hung on the FOB barracks in Memory of Micheal in April 2008 and when the guys came home I knew that a new group of Micheal’s Brothers were going t walk beneath that sign daily and remember him also.

About a year and a half ago I got the burr to bring the sign home. I would soon find out my son’s LT had already made the arrangements and in fact the sign was in the US at Ft Riley. The FOB it once was on had been dismantled and the Iraqis had taken control of the security in that area.. a success. ( BTW the Iraqi’s took over the JSS one year to the day after my son was killed. )

I then began the next step of the mission of getting the sign home to the 1-502^nd and my son’s military family. It was not made for me but for his brothers and as much as it honors him it honors them also. About a year ago the sign got to Bravo Co with the help of a 1SG and Col. and a very very kind CSM.

At that point the sign was entrusted to Micheal’s Platoon Leader Sgt. Les Fuller. Sgt. Fuller took it home and began the job of staining and polyurethane coating the sign to preserve it. Well today sgt Fuller finished the work on the sign. And it is GORGEOUS.. He and LT Watrin have truly honored my son.

Now we have one step left in the journey of this memorial to my son.. to get the barracks at Ft Campbell named for my son and the sign hung. No that is not true.. two steps are left.. I need to touch this sign.. I need to run my fingers along the letters. Then we can hang it and name a barracks.

This year I’m angry..

Knottie — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 01:10:56 +0000

Tomorrow marks three years since the Sgt. And Chaplain knocked on the door and uttered the most horrific words a military family can hear. The first year I was sad.. just plain sad. Last year I was sad and sentimental. This year I had made up my mind to celebrate my sweet son. But instead I’m mad as hell. The anger is so intense it physically hurts. I know the healthy thing to do is to channel the anger into something positive, which is what I usually do. Everyone who knows me knows I am all about turning the poison into medicine. But right now I just want to be mad. I want to scream and yell and hit someone and demand they tell me why I can’t hug my son. Why wasn’t he the best man at his brother’s wedding.. or there to convince him to take a little time and think it through more. I want to know why I can’t call him and tell him he is going to be an Uncle. I want to know why this nation is so damned ungrateful ( and yes I know many are grateful but more are not) I am just so angry. It’s not fair dammit! I shouldn’t be going to eat Chinese Thursday to remember him I should be packing a care package to send to him or having lunch with him. I should be calling him for no real reason and just checking on him.

I shouldn’t visit his grave and talking to people for a documentary trying to explain this young man to them. How do you explain who a person was.. How unique how special how individual… in words. Hearing about Micheal is not going to ever be the same experience as meeting him. But we will try. We will honor him through our memories and stories. And maybe someone will hear his story and try to be a better person in life to honor him. Or at least be grateful to be an American who had someone like him fight and die for them.

Tonight I build the walls to get me through tomorrow. This year we have one of his brothers in arms with us. And we will all sit and tell stories and look at pictures and celebrate Pokey. There will be hurt, sadness, laughter, tears and this year anger.

I miss you my sweet son..

A New Year

Knottie — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 03:41:45 +0000

For nearly three years now there have been several big boxes of cards, letters, newspaper clippings and other things attached to Micheal’s passing sitting in my room. I never had the heart to really go through it all nor dd I have the heart to put them away properly. On occasion I would read a few of the cards and notes. There was also a box of Micheal’s things. Shoes, clothes.. stuff. It just sat there in our bedroom. Today I decided it was time to store it all. There is no way I can give it away or throw it way but its time to move it to storage so I have.

When I began the project I had no idea how emotional it was going to be. I was just cleaning after all. No big deal.. Its almost as if I kept them all handy just in case he came home (or I woke up) and I could show him how loved and missed he was. But it hit me that he will never read the kind words.. he will never need his swim trunks or backpack again.. But its been nearly three years and its time for our bedroom to be ours again. Not a storage room. I will forever have the memorial table in the livingroom and I will keep the very special pesonal affects in the chest the Army had made for us.

I suppose I am doing this now because of a few reasons.. one is the New Year is upon us and I want to start it off fresh with a new attitude. Its time for me to fully focus on moving forward and stop hanging on to the pain…time to make my grief a companion and not a burden. Also my second oldest son got married a few days before Christmas. He and his wife have reminded me of the importance of seeking joy and hope. I know they will have struggles but I also know that struggles help us grow and appreciate the blessings in our lives all the more. Losing Micheal was and still is my hardest struggle.. but I need to focus on the blessings and lessons of it. Not just the pain of it.

So the bedroom is cleaned out.. and some of my daily reminders are packed away. The pain is still with me and always will be but the heavy burden of allowing it to clutter my life is some what lifted.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

Knottie — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 05:20:46 +0000

This blog is mostly about my son but tonight I feel the need to talk about two things my son loved the military and his Uncles. You see Pokey’s Uncle and his “husband” are gay. Been together forever.. they are the “Uncles” and very much loved by our family and we are richer for having these two wonderful men in our lives. Now mind you Pokey never understood how a person could be gay.. but he trusted me enough to accept that his Uncle was born that way and it did not make him a bad person..just different.. just like his Auntie is black.. not the exact same but still someone we love. In time all my kids learned to accept people for how they treated them and others not for some difference that they had not control over. ( if you plan on leaving a stupid comment at this point about being gay being a choice don’t bother I won’t publish it. ) The other thing Pokey loved was the military.

OK that said… there has been much discussion over Don’t Ask Don’t Tell being repealed. And many people have asked my opinion.. so here it is

The military is suppose to be about honor and integrity.. yet we ask many people who serve to lie about who they are. Gay people do not lack self control and will not be hitting on others simply because they no longer have to hide who they are. These men and women are the same people they were before, the only thing that has changed is others can no longer witch hunt them and remove them from serving this nation just as honorably as anyone else.

When less than 1% of our population volunteer to serve I don’t see how the other 99% get to bitch about a gay person serving. If you really don’t want them serving maybe you should go fill the spot they would be. They are willing to write a check to this Nation up to and including their lives.. Gay or Straight should not and does not matter! Its their honor and selfless love of this nation that matters. You people should be ashamed of yourself for complaining about men and women who are willing to die for your freedom simply because you don’t like who they may fall in love with.

We are a nation built on FREEDOM. That means people get to live their lives as they see fit without the approval of others as long as they do not cost others their freedoms. You do not have to like Gay people.. but you don’t get to take their freedoms from them because you don’t like them. If you don’t like homosexuality and disapprove by all means don’t be gay!

It Saddens Me Greatly

Knottie — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 04:21:49 +0000

On Nov.4^th 2010 Sgt. Jason James McCluskey gave his life in the line of duty. He was 26 years old. On Nov.13^th, 2010 his family and friends gathered to say their final farewells to him. His funeral should have been solemn occasion…It should have been a send off done with honor and dignity. But Westboro Baptist church showed up to protest and the counter protesters came to “protect” the family. The tires of Westboro Baptist church’s van were slashed, motorcycles revved to drown out the chants of WBC and Sgt McCluskey’s dignified farewell was turned into a protest war zone. And that saddens me greatly.. for him, for his family and for America.

Over the past few days I have read and heard great glee from people about the counter protest..But when I asked these people what was the soldier’s name they can’t answer… You see Sgt McCluskey was forgotten and lost in it all. It became a “Look what we did” travesty.

I’ve been the family who had to worry and wonder if the lunatics from Westboro would show up. (And yes they did show up but my town had an ordinance that required a protest permit 14 days in advance and they did not get perform their abuse on my family. It also lead them to find a State law around all similar local ordinances. ) I now wonder if the counter protesters behavior is any better. There is a core of people in these groups who understand that this is not a battle or a show it is about allowing the families to grieve in private and with dignity. But there is now a much larger element whom are just there to react to these lunatics. And in their reaction to Westboro Baptist Church they behave no better.

It’s shameful to have allow this young heroes funeral to become such a circus of bad behavior. So I am asking those who set out to “protect” the families of our Fallen Heroes in the future.. please ask yourself if you are responding in a dignified and honorable manner or are you just being the same kind of attention whore as Westboro Baptist church?

Rest in Peace Jason James McCluskey.. Take luck my Soldier son.. Someone remembers, Someone cares, Someone whispers your name in their prayers

Veteran’s Day.. A Civics Lesson

Knottie — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 02:33:27 +0000

In the United States we have 3 National holidays that celebrate our military. Unfortunately it seems most people either don’t know anything about them or they get them all mixed up and push them together. Ok so here is a civics lesson

Memorial Day is the last Monday in May every year. This is the day we remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice and gave their life for this nation in the face of an enemy. This is a day of mourning and remembrance. For far too many it’s the welcoming of summer, a long weekend and a chance to drink beer and bbq. But for many they do take a moment to remember and recognize the Fallen.

Armed Forces day is the 2^nd Saturday of May. This is the day we THANK those currently serving. It’s a chance to shake the hand of a man or woman in uniform and thank them for the job they doing.

Veterans Day is Nov 11^th every year. It’s a day to thank those who served and came home. It a day to embrace them and say we are glad you came home and job well done. As the mother of a fallen soldier I want this one day to be happy and celebrate my son’s brother who came home. To be happy that these men are here and to thank them and all those who have served and came home. This is not a sad day.. it’s a day of gratitude and celebration.

What people do not seem to understand, when they center us Gold Star Families out on Veterans day, is that they are taking a moment from those who served and came home and from us. A Moment that we want to celebrate others not mourn our own. Yes, we want our sons and daughters remembered but for this one day we want our Veterans celebrated and we want to sit quietly in the back ground and just take in the celebration of gratitude towards these men and women who wore the uniform, protected this nation and came home to carry on. Leave the mourning of our sons and daughters who are Fallen for Memorial day and the rest of the year.. but for today ..Veterans Day… honor them by focusing your full attention and gratitude to their brothers and sisters in arms who came home.

Thank you Veterans.. I am glad you are home..

My Companion… Grief

Knottie — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 05:42:33 +0000

She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. ~George Eliot

I have spent over 2 and a half years reading quotes looking for that one pearl of wisdom that will make it ok. I read this quote some months ago and at that time I thought I had achieved this.. or something close to it. At least I presented to the world that I had and if you tell a lie enough you begin to believe it yourself. I at least realized that I needed to make my grief and hurt a companion because it will be with me for all my days. Lately though as I talk to other Gold Star parents and widows I wonder if this is truly possible.. can we make grief our companion? Does this hurt ever become something of a comfort to us? I have to wonder that if we ever stop hurting, does it mean we have forgotten? And if that is true should we not embrace the grief and its pain, make it our companion and find comfort in it on some level?

So here I sit at nearly 1 in the morning.. missing my son terribly and reading the comments of other mothers who are enduring the same pain for their own sons and daughters as my mind wonders to trying to find some possible answer to how to live with this never ending pain. Trying to find some words of comfort for them also and the I only conclusion I can come to is that we need to embrace the pain and grief. Find comfort in it and accept it as our companion. Let it share our thoughts and know that it will be with us always. And because the grief and pain is with us our love for the one we have lost is with us … they are with us and they too our companion and sharer of our thoughts.

“An Ugly Pair of Shoes”

Knottie — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 18:31:51 +0000

“An Ugly Pair of Shoes”

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

Iranian Bounties On US Troops Shouldn’t be a Shock

Knottie — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 02:46:37 +0000

The headline this morning was Iran pays Taliban fighters in Afghanistan $1000 per head to kill U.S. soldier My first reaction was “No kidding” but as the day goes on and I see more and more people posting this headline and reacting in shock I became more and more annoyed. I want to know where these people have been for the past 7 years while Iran was funding, training, proving fighters and weapons to kill our troops in Iraq. It gets better though.. Iran bankrolls Hezbollah and Hamas too. Shocked? I’m not.

Where was the outrage last year when Obama released Qais Khazali ? Who is Qais Khazali you ask… “Qais Khazali is best known as the former leader of the Iran-backed Special Groups in Iraq from June 2006 until his capture by American forces in March 2007. As head of the Special Groups, Khazali directed arms smuggling, formation of death squads to participate in sectarian violence, kidnappings, and assassinations, most notably the January 20, 2007 attack on American forces in Karbala. A former follower of Moqtada al-Sadr, he was expelled from the Mahdi Army in 2004 for giving “unauthorized orders,” subsequently forming Asa’ib Ahl al-Haq. As head of the Special Groups, he reported to Hajji Yusif, deputy commander of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard’s Quds Force, Department of External Special Operations.” (Wikipedia ) His work in setting up the Iran Iraq connection was key bringing in EFPs (explosive forced projectiles ) to the Sadr City and Shulla Iraq areas, where my son was killed. Yes the Iranian connection is very personal for me.

Why did Pres. Obama release him? Well he traded him for a British journalist that the British government refused to negotiate with terrorist for. Full story on that here: So much for the US not negotiate with terrorist huh? Pres. Obama not only negotiated he gave them back one of their key bad guys who is responsible for so many deaths of our troops.

For years now I have spoken out about how Iran government is funding the majority of terrorism we battle in the world today. especially their role in Iraq. They have been funding the murder of our military men and women for years and for people to be shocked and surprised by today’s headline makes me wonder how we are going to stop this growth of terror and jihad if something like this can go on for years and now just now people are taking note.

Yes Iran is paying bounties on our troops. This is not new information or even a new mode of operation for Iran. But I guess for most Americans it means we may end up in a war with Iran and that is just scary to them… well guess what, we are at war with Iran and have been for many years. I am mad as hell that Iran is putting bounties on our troops. But I’m not surprised. I am a little surprised that this is just now becoming headline news. It’s disappointing that American’s are so out of touch with what our troops face and fight every day.

What keeps playing in my head is that now that we have drawn down in Iraq, Iran will become more powerful there. The Shias will most assuredly be funded by Iran and once again the people of Iraq will fall under evil and sadistic rule like the people of Iran face daily. My only hope is we can have their backs enough in the coming years to help them stand up for themselves and fight for the freedom to live life without fear. I hope my son and all the others did not sacrifice in vain. The only way we can truly win this war is to face the realities of it.

Mahdi fighters funded by Iran in Iraq

Pokey and the Packers…

Knottie — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 01:24:08 +0000

Sitting here watching the Green Bay Packers play I can’t help but think about Micheal. The last night we spent with Micheal we watched the Packers play. Oct.7^th 2007 They played the Bears.. I can’t remember who won. I just remember he and his Dad and his brothers in my dad’s living room on the edge of the couch watching the game.

Many months later his team Leader Sgt W would tell me that during playoff in Jan. 08 he was up in the middle of the night alone watching TV..

“Hey Phillips, why aren’t you sleeping?”

“It’s the Packers”

As if that explained everything.

I laughed when the story was told me. I can see him alone in the TV room at the FOB in Iraq watching the playoff game.. yelling at the play. Micheal was such a huge Packer fan. I guess that comes from the years of living in Green Bay just a few blocks from Lambeau field. And I am sure watching them play was a connection to home for him.

Honestly there is not much in life that doesn’t in some way bring back a memory or remind me of Micheal but certain things really open the flood gates of emotions and make the emptiness and missing him palatable. Most of the time I can watch the Packers and be ok. Tonight however I miss Micheal very much. I wish he was here with me yelling at the TV and cheering the Packers on.

In an odd way watching the Packers play is a small connection to Micheal no one can ever take from me. Someday I will go back to Green Bay and watch the Packers play live. Not sure how but when I do I will find a way to honor Micheal and leave his mark on Lambeau field.

Go Pack Go.

Footnote:

It just occurred to me.. I am going to ask the Packers to all wear a rubberband on their wrist in memory of Pokey and all his Fallen brothers during one game this season.