About a year and a half ago I got the burr to bring the sign home. I would soon find out my son’s LT had already made the arrangements and in fact the sign was in the US at Ft Riley. The FOB it once was on had been dismantled and the Iraqis had taken control of the security in that area.. a success.  ( BTW the Iraqi’s  took over the JSS one year to the day after my son was killed. )

I then began the next step of the mission of getting the sign home to the 1-502^nd and my son’s military family. It was not made for me but for his brothers and as much as it honors him it honors them also. About a year ago the sign got to Bravo Co with the help of a 1SG and Col. and a very very kind CSM.

At that point the sign was entrusted to Micheal’s Platoon Leader  Sgt. Les Fuller.  Sgt. Fuller took it home and began the job of staining and polyurethane coating the sign to preserve it. Well today sgt Fuller finished the work on the sign. And it is  GORGEOUS.. He and LT  Watrin have truly honored my son.

Now we have one step left  in the journey of this memorial to my son.. to get the barracks at Ft Campbell named for my son and the sign hung.  No that is not true.. two steps are left.. I need to touch this sign.. I need to run my fingers along the letters.  Then we can hang it and name a barracks.

I shouldn’t visit his grave and talking to people for a documentary trying to explain this young man to them.  How do you explain who a person was.. How unique how special how individual… in words. Hearing about Micheal is not going to ever be the same experience as meeting him.  But we will try. We will honor him through our memories and stories. And maybe someone will hear his story and try to be a better person in life to honor him.  Or at least be grateful to be an American who had someone like him fight and die for them.

Tonight I build the walls to get me through tomorrow. This year we have one of his brothers in arms with us.  And we will all sit and tell stories and look at pictures and celebrate Pokey. There will be hurt, sadness, laughter, tears and this year anger.

I miss you my sweet son..

When I began the project I had no idea how emotional it was going to be. I was just cleaning after all. No big deal.. Its almost as if I kept them all handy just in case he came home (or I woke up) and I could show him how loved and missed he was. But it hit me that he will never read the kind words.. he will never need his swim trunks  or backpack again.. But its been nearly three years and its time for our bedroom to be ours again. Not a storage room. I will forever have the memorial table in the livingroom and I will keep the very special pesonal affects in the chest the Army had made for us.

I suppose I am doing this now because of a few reasons.. one is the  New Year is upon us and I want to start it off fresh with a new attitude.  Its time for me to fully focus on moving forward and stop hanging on to the pain…time to make my grief a companion and not a burden. Also my second oldest son got married a few days before Christmas. He and his wife have reminded me of the importance of seeking joy and hope.  I know they will have struggles but I also know that struggles help us grow and appreciate the blessings in our lives all the more.  Losing Micheal was and still is my hardest struggle.. but I need to focus on the blessings and lessons of it. Not just the pain of it.

So the bedroom is cleaned out.. and some of my daily reminders are packed away.  The pain is still with me and always will be but the heavy burden of allowing it to clutter my life is some what lifted.

Last night I read something on facebook posted by Michael Yon.  What he posted made a great deal of sense to me.  Mostly because he had put into words what I have been thinking but could not quite articulate.

Probably most people on here would have little difficulty explaining to their children, or to a little brother or sister, the difference between facile appeasement and gratuitous provocation — until it comes to the Ground Zero mosque and the “Church” Quran burning. Then some otherwise thoughtful… people lose the path and wander into a killing field of their own making.

Most good parents likely try to inoculate their children against manipulation by pointing out to them the signs and pitfalls. Yet in the case of the provocateurs in New York City, and Gainesville, they are led like raging bulls, and they will snort and charge the red cape over and over, and the crowd will roar. A few will sell tickets, or beer, or bulls and capes, while others will learn the lessons of the matador to return with another red cape and a fresh bull. The dance is predictable. The possible outcomes are few.

Our people are hunting down the enemy even as we communicate here. Let’s make their jobs easier by being very, very quiet with words that spook the field.

I’m a mom so I often think of terms of parenting. For some people my thinking or analogies may be overly simplistic but I am who I am and have to use the terms I know best.

Watching the world today I am reminded of when my children we younger and would find that one thing that would set the other one off. That magic emotional button that they could push to get the best angered reaction from the other. They were daring the other to do something.. and then would be SHOCKED when they did. All involved got disciplined for these kinds of games though.  They learned quickly that provoking a reaction got them a consequence both from the other sibling and from Mom.  But as is human nature there was a lot of tit for tat going on as they grew up.

So we have the muslims building a mosque to tweak the nose to the US. And a “church” in Florida reacting but tweaking the muslims nose by publicly burning a quran. We have people all over the US screaming we should not appease, which I agree, but we also should not provoke. What most Americans do not understand when they react to Gen. Peteraus’ request to not burn the quran is that not all muslims in Afghanistan support the Taliban or similar organizations. In fact most just want to be left alone but everyone. BUT they like US citizens do not like having their faith insulted. By doing something so insulting to them as to burn their holy book you are taking those who would normally either be neutral or help our troops and pushing them into a role of enemy that they really don’t want to be in.

So to everyone involved who thinks they’re helping by demonstrating and burning Qurans…stop helping! Once again I am reminded of my children when they were very young and “helping” me bake a cake. In reality all they did was break eggs and make a huge mess.  But unlike my toddler helping bake a cake, the mess made by those up in arms and “helping” are going to cost lives. Not just our military lives either.  The provocations are escalating, emotions are on a low boil and not many are thinking clearly.

This is a battle. We have allowed the jihadist to make us react in an emotional irresponsible  way. We have allowed ourselves to be provoked.  And instead of responding in a manner that will fix the problem we are only making it worse.  Stop and think for a moment be honest with yourself,  when you go into a situation in an overly emotional state nothing good comes out of it.  You can’t fight or think well if you let emotions take over.

Let’s face it one of the best tactics in winning a fight is to make the other person become overly emotional and lose their temper. Whether that fight be a debate of words or physical. We have allowed our emotions to take over. We’ve taken the provocation bait and that puts us in the weaker position. Do you feel manipulated yet?

I am not saying “why can’t we all just get along”. I am saying.. stop taking the bait and playing into the hands of those who want you to react emotionally. It weakens us..  Cooler heads should and will prevail.  And if you chose to keep on with the “get a reaction, lets show them” mentality.. do NOT be shocked when you get the reaction your provoking will bring.

Happy 22nd Birthday Pokey.. I love you.
Mom

Two years after his death, it is a new thought to me that I not only lost my son but my grandchildren from him.  I suppose because so many of his friends are getting married and starting families is why I am thinking of it now.  I’m jealous of other Gold Star moms who have grandchildren to stay connected to their sons and daughters through their grandchildren. But at the same time I am so happy for them that they have that connection.  It feels like all I have is memories and things.  Oh I have his brothers and sister and his dad. I have his friends who still come around but it’s not a part of him…. And I do see them all as the blessings they are.

I was talking to my sister earlier about coming to terms with things in life. I to explained her we don’t have to like certain things or even accept them but we do have to come to terms with them.  Not ever being able to see Micheal get married and not being able to hold his children is something I have to come to terms with.  And part of that process is going to be sadness and anger.  I am learning how this works far too well.   It’s funny right after Micheal was killed I craved holding babies, it was healing to look upon new life.  I still do. But there will forever be a part of me that grieves not only for my son but for his unborn children.