Knottie's Niche» Uncategorized

Yes I am OK…

Knottie — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 01:48:16 +0000

Last night within 15 minutes I had 5 people ask me if I was ok. They got the standard “Yep I’m always ok” answer but it got me wondering if it was that obvious that something has been up with me. And yes it has. It’s called the month of May ( yes I am aware it is now June) May is a difficult month for me. It is one reminder, date and milestone after another. Mother’s day, Micheal’s birthday and Memorial Day. It also the month Micheal was suppose to be home for R&R. The last conversation I had with him was about May and his R&R. In past years my emotional rollercoaster ride (well plunge) has scared people out of my life so I have learned to build up the walls and distance myself. I guess I did it a little too well this year.

As we left May and began June the heavy cloud has not quite lifted. Of course that probably has less to do with my hurt over Micheal and more about life testing me at every turn. I was hurt pretty bad the day before Micheal’s birthday. When I am hurt or sick I tend to be even more emotional so this was not a good equation. I spent Micheal’s birthday in tears. Not something I am proud to admit because as I say so often I do not cry. At least not often and never publicly. ( Yes Combat son I know tears wash the soul and are not weakness)

Anyway.. after so many being concerned about whether or not I am ok and asking why I have been so distant I thought I owed a few of you who noticed that yes I truly am ok..it’s just one of those times I really really don’t want to be and am working on refocusing myself to get back to my mission.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

Knottie — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 05:20:46 +0000

This blog is mostly about my son but tonight I feel the need to talk about two things my son loved the military and his Uncles. You see Pokey’s Uncle and his “husband” are gay. Been together forever.. they are the “Uncles” and very much loved by our family and we are richer for having these two wonderful men in our lives. Now mind you Pokey never understood how a person could be gay.. but he trusted me enough to accept that his Uncle was born that way and it did not make him a bad person..just different.. just like his Auntie is black.. not the exact same but still someone we love. In time all my kids learned to accept people for how they treated them and others not for some difference that they had not control over. ( if you plan on leaving a stupid comment at this point about being gay being a choice don’t bother I won’t publish it. ) The other thing Pokey loved was the military.

OK that said… there has been much discussion over Don’t Ask Don’t Tell being repealed. And many people have asked my opinion.. so here it is

The military is suppose to be about honor and integrity.. yet we ask many people who serve to lie about who they are. Gay people do not lack self control and will not be hitting on others simply because they no longer have to hide who they are. These men and women are the same people they were before, the only thing that has changed is others can no longer witch hunt them and remove them from serving this nation just as honorably as anyone else.

When less than 1% of our population volunteer to serve I don’t see how the other 99% get to bitch about a gay person serving. If you really don’t want them serving maybe you should go fill the spot they would be. They are willing to write a check to this Nation up to and including their lives.. Gay or Straight should not and does not matter! Its their honor and selfless love of this nation that matters. You people should be ashamed of yourself for complaining about men and women who are willing to die for your freedom simply because you don’t like who they may fall in love with.

We are a nation built on FREEDOM. That means people get to live their lives as they see fit without the approval of others as long as they do not cost others their freedoms. You do not have to like Gay people.. but you don’t get to take their freedoms from them because you don’t like them. If you don’t like homosexuality and disapprove by all means don’t be gay!

It Saddens Me Greatly

Knottie — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 04:21:49 +0000

On Nov.4^th 2010 Sgt. Jason James McCluskey gave his life in the line of duty. He was 26 years old. On Nov.13^th, 2010 his family and friends gathered to say their final farewells to him. His funeral should have been solemn occasion…It should have been a send off done with honor and dignity. But Westboro Baptist church showed up to protest and the counter protesters came to “protect” the family. The tires of Westboro Baptist church’s van were slashed, motorcycles revved to drown out the chants of WBC and Sgt McCluskey’s dignified farewell was turned into a protest war zone. And that saddens me greatly.. for him, for his family and for America.

Over the past few days I have read and heard great glee from people about the counter protest..But when I asked these people what was the soldier’s name they can’t answer… You see Sgt McCluskey was forgotten and lost in it all. It became a “Look what we did” travesty.

I’ve been the family who had to worry and wonder if the lunatics from Westboro would show up. (And yes they did show up but my town had an ordinance that required a protest permit 14 days in advance and they did not get perform their abuse on my family. It also lead them to find a State law around all similar local ordinances. ) I now wonder if the counter protesters behavior is any better. There is a core of people in these groups who understand that this is not a battle or a show it is about allowing the families to grieve in private and with dignity. But there is now a much larger element whom are just there to react to these lunatics. And in their reaction to Westboro Baptist Church they behave no better.

It’s shameful to have allow this young heroes funeral to become such a circus of bad behavior. So I am asking those who set out to “protect” the families of our Fallen Heroes in the future.. please ask yourself if you are responding in a dignified and honorable manner or are you just being the same kind of attention whore as Westboro Baptist church?

Rest in Peace Jason James McCluskey.. Take luck my Soldier son.. Someone remembers, Someone cares, Someone whispers your name in their prayers

My Companion… Grief

Knottie — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 05:42:33 +0000

She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. ~George Eliot

I have spent over 2 and a half years reading quotes looking for that one pearl of wisdom that will make it ok. I read this quote some months ago and at that time I thought I had achieved this.. or something close to it. At least I presented to the world that I had and if you tell a lie enough you begin to believe it yourself. I at least realized that I needed to make my grief and hurt a companion because it will be with me for all my days. Lately though as I talk to other Gold Star parents and widows I wonder if this is truly possible.. can we make grief our companion? Does this hurt ever become something of a comfort to us? I have to wonder that if we ever stop hurting, does it mean we have forgotten? And if that is true should we not embrace the grief and its pain, make it our companion and find comfort in it on some level?

So here I sit at nearly 1 in the morning.. missing my son terribly and reading the comments of other mothers who are enduring the same pain for their own sons and daughters as my mind wonders to trying to find some possible answer to how to live with this never ending pain. Trying to find some words of comfort for them also and the I only conclusion I can come to is that we need to embrace the pain and grief. Find comfort in it and accept it as our companion. Let it share our thoughts and know that it will be with us always. And because the grief and pain is with us our love for the one we have lost is with us … they are with us and they too our companion and sharer of our thoughts.

Iranian Bounties On US Troops Shouldn’t be a Shock

Knottie — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 02:46:37 +0000

The headline this morning was Iran pays Taliban fighters in Afghanistan $1000 per head to kill U.S. soldier My first reaction was “No kidding” but as the day goes on and I see more and more people posting this headline and reacting in shock I became more and more annoyed. I want to know where these people have been for the past 7 years while Iran was funding, training, proving fighters and weapons to kill our troops in Iraq. It gets better though.. Iran bankrolls Hezbollah and Hamas too. Shocked? I’m not.

Where was the outrage last year when Obama released Qais Khazali ? Who is Qais Khazali you ask… “Qais Khazali is best known as the former leader of the Iran-backed Special Groups in Iraq from June 2006 until his capture by American forces in March 2007. As head of the Special Groups, Khazali directed arms smuggling, formation of death squads to participate in sectarian violence, kidnappings, and assassinations, most notably the January 20, 2007 attack on American forces in Karbala. A former follower of Moqtada al-Sadr, he was expelled from the Mahdi Army in 2004 for giving “unauthorized orders,” subsequently forming Asa’ib Ahl al-Haq. As head of the Special Groups, he reported to Hajji Yusif, deputy commander of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard’s Quds Force, Department of External Special Operations.” (Wikipedia ) His work in setting up the Iran Iraq connection was key bringing in EFPs (explosive forced projectiles ) to the Sadr City and Shulla Iraq areas, where my son was killed. Yes the Iranian connection is very personal for me.

Why did Pres. Obama release him? Well he traded him for a British journalist that the British government refused to negotiate with terrorist for. Full story on that here: So much for the US not negotiate with terrorist huh? Pres. Obama not only negotiated he gave them back one of their key bad guys who is responsible for so many deaths of our troops.

For years now I have spoken out about how Iran government is funding the majority of terrorism we battle in the world today. especially their role in Iraq. They have been funding the murder of our military men and women for years and for people to be shocked and surprised by today’s headline makes me wonder how we are going to stop this growth of terror and jihad if something like this can go on for years and now just now people are taking note.

Yes Iran is paying bounties on our troops. This is not new information or even a new mode of operation for Iran. But I guess for most Americans it means we may end up in a war with Iran and that is just scary to them… well guess what, we are at war with Iran and have been for many years. I am mad as hell that Iran is putting bounties on our troops. But I’m not surprised. I am a little surprised that this is just now becoming headline news. It’s disappointing that American’s are so out of touch with what our troops face and fight every day.

What keeps playing in my head is that now that we have drawn down in Iraq, Iran will become more powerful there. The Shias will most assuredly be funded by Iran and once again the people of Iraq will fall under evil and sadistic rule like the people of Iran face daily. My only hope is we can have their backs enough in the coming years to help them stand up for themselves and fight for the freedom to live life without fear. I hope my son and all the others did not sacrifice in vain. The only way we can truly win this war is to face the realities of it.

Mahdi fighters funded by Iran in Iraq

They’re Here (Updated)

Knottie — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 02:06:18 +0000

You may read this and think I am insane or that the grief has finally pushed me over the edge but I feel I have to share this story.

Last night through the men and families of the Company my son served with and I have adopted as my extended family I found out we had lost two of ours. I will not post the names yet as the Dept. of Defense hasn’t made those names public. I wouldn’t discuss their death except I know the families have been officially notified.

To say this news upset me is an understatement. My heart broke at the news, for those two men, for their families, for their brothers in arms and for this nation. Having heard this news through the Army family grapevine I prayed it was a rumor that the news was exaggerated. I held on to hope they were only injured. Well this morning I read that 5 NATO troops had been killed in Afghanistan yesterday, two of them US Army. This news report and word from those in the company in Afghanistan confirmed what I knew.

I read this news on the AP wire and walked away from my computer to accept it. As soon as had I stepped away from the computer having read this I heard Micheal’s voice clearly say “They’re here.” It wasn’t a whisper, it wasn’t sad, it was comforting. Like when you have lost your child in a crowd and someone says those words that calm you, “They’re here”. And I knew they were with him. There was a certain peace in the words. He was telling me they were safe and at peace with him now. On Army Guardian Angel duty.

Am I crazy? Maybe. Maybe I just so needed to hear it I did. Doesn’t matter… All I know for sure is they are there… where ever there is.

I will update this with a proper tribute to the two men as soon as DoD officially releases their names. In the meantime… send comfort to their families and honor them by taking care of their brothers still fighting in Afghanistan.

http://www.defense.gov/releases/release.aspx?releaseid=13722

The Department of Defense announced today the deaths of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom.

They died July 15 in Kandahar, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when enemy forces attacked their unit with an improvised explosive device. They were assigned to the 1st Battalion, 502nd Infantry Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault), Fort Campbell, Ky.

Killed were:

Sgt. 1st Class John H. Jarrell, 32, of Brunson, S.C.

Sgt. Leston M. Winters, 30, of Sour Lake, Texas.

Take Luck Harding…I Miss You Son

Knottie — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 03:23:29 +0000

A few days after Micheal was killed we got a call from Iraq.. I knew the number was from Iraq I had spent the last months waiting for that 1191 to show up on my phone. I had to ask 3 times for the young man’s name. He was obviously emotional, PFC Mark Harding was on the other end. I knew the name. Micheal had mentioned him often. He was one of the three amigos. Fagan, Harding and Phillips.. the morale team. Self appointed. We spoke for some time. Both of us cried together both of us searched for the answer to why that day. He became my son that day.

Mark was one of the first to come to our home. He came for New Years 2009. My son David didn’t want to meet any of the guys. But he and Mark hit it off. You see Mark was one of those people you just had to love. I remember sitting with Mark at Ihop eating breakfast and having a conversation no 19 yr old kid should be having. I remember thinking his heart was too caring for infantry. He had so much love.

I have videos of Mark goofing off with my son and the other guys. I have pictures of his beautiful smile. I have cried with this young man. Laughed with him and sat in silence with him. He would call me and tell me about where he was in life. He had gotten out of the Army and had some difficulty adjusting back to civilian life. Just like most of the guys do. Last time I talked to him he was working and happy. Moving forward and living again.

Saturday may 30th 2010 just 15 days after his 21st birthday Mark was removed from life support. He had survived combat in Iraq, survived the demons of coming home only to sub come to a sinus infection. His family made the most difficult decision any family has ever faced. In his death he has saved the life of 7 people through organ donations.

When news came it spread quickly among his Army brothers. No one wanted to believe it. Everyone was heartbroken. Mark was the youngest and they all were protective of him but they also respected him. His brothers rallied and began to gather their pictures to share with the family. Others volunteered to gather a proper Class A uniform for him to be buried in and drive 14 hours to make sure it was there in time. Mark was that loved and respected.
I have lost another son.. my heart aches. Mark touched my heart. I am trying to find comfort in knowing that he missed Micheal as much as I do and that they are together. Heaven has two very special angels.. both my sons.

Take Luck Harding.. I love you. Hug Pokey for me.. and save me a place at the campfire.

How can you not love that smile?

Lt.Col. Kurt Schlichter’s Memorial Day Speech

Knottie — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 00:50:51 +0000

Memorial Day Ceremony at Forest Lawn Hollywood, May 31, 2010
Keynote speaker Lt.Col. Kurt Schlichter, HQ, 40th Infantry Division

Remembering on Memorial Day

Knottie — Sat, 29 May 2010 21:50:31 +0000

A few days ago I received a message from an Army medic.

Angelia.. I tried so hard not to make memorial day a day for Moms to have to remember. I tried really hard to make sure it was a day their sons and daughters came home to see them, not the other way around. I just feel like crap this time of year.

It tore my heart out because I know to him he is seeing Memorial Day as a mark of his failures. I want nothing more than to make him understand that he never failed. He did it all perfectly and yes there were those who died but not because he did not do his job well, perfectly, but because sometimes they were just too broken to fix.

I know he and many others who served are not only remembering our Fallen this weekend but wrestling with their demons and yes even remembering the times of laughter and brotherhood. I hope they will focus on the memories of laughter and make Memorial Day a day more about celebrating those we lost and the lives they lived even as we mourn them. Even in death they are touching lives if we celebrate them and share their stories.

I went to the cemetery today to visit my son and place the proper 6 flags for a Fallen soldier that are placed for Memorial Day. I hate that I know these traditions now but I am also grateful there are such traditions. I know that now that my son is one who is to be remembered on Memorial Day the meaning of the day is more powerful to me than ever before.

Yes there will be BBQs and get togethers. There will be laughter and fun.. there will be celebrations. I only ask that while you enjoy these celebrations think of those who served.. those who wrote a check to this nation payable up to and including their lives. Remember they gave their tomorrows for your today.

Honor and Remember those who have gone before us in protection of all those things we hold dear in this Nation.

If you can save for them a place inside of you and save one backward glance when you are leaving for the places they can no longer go. Be not ashamed to say you loved them, though you may or may not have always. Take what they have taught you with their dying and keep it with your own, and in that time when men decide and feel safe to call the war insane, take one moment to embrace those gentle heroes you left behind. ( Via Chris Hill)

Trip To the Air Show and Down Memory Lane

Knottie — Tue, 04 May 2010 00:59:26 +0000

Yesterday we loaded up and drove a few hours to the Altus OK air show. It has been years since I went to an air show and I was looking forward to it. Not so much for the aircrafts but from the demonstrations they put on.

Now the day started off with me running into one of my good friends in Army recruiting and getting big hugs so as you can imagine it was a good day. My youngest son had never been to an air show so he was very excited. He loved sitting in the cockpits and “pretending” to fly the different planes and helicopters. When the parachute demo started he didn’t take his eyes off the sky. The sheer joy and wonderment on his face reminded me of many years ago and the first time we took Micheal to an air show. The same look was on his face too. I think that was when Micheal fell in love with airplanes. And like Micheal who was able to spot an airplane when it was nothing more than a dot in the sky Anthony was able to locate and point out the parachutist before most of us.

At one point the Thunderbirds Commander swore ina group of new Air Force recruits. It was very cool watching these young people make a commitment to this country and themselves. I was so proud of them all.

We met another young soldier from Ft Sill and I must say I was extremely impressed with how polite and together he was. He represented the Army in the best possible light a soldier could. He and I chatted for a few minutes and I was thoroughly impressed. I didn’t tell him about Pokey but in a small way this young man reminded me of my son. He was smiling the whole time and obviously proud of the work he was doing. I tried to get a hold of his commander today and give him kudos.

The thunderbirds flew and amazed us all with their skills and as I stood and waited to get a commemorative book I allowed myself to travel memories lane… I let myself for the first time that day truly think about those days when Micheal was so very little not more than 2 or 3 and how much he loved days like yesterday. I got a little teary so I did not stay to have the men of the Thunderbird team sign my book. Or tell them that a show put on by the team 19 years ago made one little boy love military aircraft and that love would lead to a love of history which would lead to a love of Country and a soldier being made…

I wonder where Anthony’s love of the parachutist will lead?

( Tomorrow .. Kittehs..)