For many people New Years Day is a day to start fresh. A chance to begin working towards new goals or write a next chapter in their lives. In many ways it is for me also but it’s also a reminder that we are facing one more year with out our Micheal. That we are beginning the vicious painful cycle of marking certain days all over again.
Maybe it’s knowing what we are going to be facing that has made this holiday season so hard for us this year. You would think that knowing we could be prepared and more able to face it but knowing you are going to endure something painful, so painful that words can’t describe it, brings about a dread and fear that makes the simple act of breathing difficult.
I wish I could not look at the calendar and just face each day as if it were just another day. But even when you manage to not think about the date you will fill out some paper work or a check and have to write the date and it will hit you. It’s Feb. 24th.. the day my son lost his life. It’s May 17th and he would be 25 this year. It’s Jan. 8th.. 5 yrs since the middle of the night call to tell me it was snowing in Iraq. I still remember his excited “Mommy Mommy Mommy” when I answered the phone at 3am. Oct. 8th the last day all 4 of my children were together and the last time I hugged Micheal. There are so many dates. So many occasions that he should be with us and won’t be.
I miss him so much.
It’s 2013. 5 years since we lost him. I know what I have to face this year and I know I can because I have before. It doesn’t get easier though. If anything it gets harder because we know what to expect.