For the past few days I have been crocheting a baby blanket for a friend of my son David’s soon to be here son. I love making baby blankets and such. But today for some reason working on it has opened the anger and hurt. I wonder what Micheal’s children would have looked like. What they would have smelled like. I want to hear their cries and laughter. I want to hold them and love them.
Two years after his death, it is a new thought to me that I not only lost my son but my grandchildren from him. I suppose because so many of his friends are getting married and starting families is why I am thinking of it now. I’m jealous of other Gold Star moms who have grandchildren to stay connected to their sons and daughters through their grandchildren. But at the same time I am so happy for them that they have that connection. It feels like all I have is memories and things. Oh I have his brothers and sister and his dad. I have his friends who still come around but it’s not a part of him…. And I do see them all as the blessings they are.
I was talking to my sister earlier about coming to terms with things in life. I to explained her we don’t have to like certain things or even accept them but we do have to come to terms with them. Not ever being able to see Micheal get married and not being able to hold his children is something I have to come to terms with. And part of that process is going to be sadness and anger. I am learning how this works far too well. It’s funny right after Micheal was killed I craved holding babies, it was healing to look upon new life. I still do. But there will forever be a part of me that grieves not only for my son but for his unborn children.
I see where not being able to have those grandchildren to help you keep a part of Micheal with you forever would be hard but at the same time I am sure that you would not have wanted his children to have to go through life without their dad and to not have the chance to know what a great person and father he would have been. I know he would have been a great dad and you would have loved those kids to death but at the same time I know you wouldn’t want those babies to go through the loss that you experienced.
Kara.. No I would not want his children to grow up without a Dad but then I don’t want him gone.. I want him here making me feel old with grandbabies.
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I can definitely understand that. I know it isnt going to make up for your loss but we are always here for you and you can come visit us any time. I know Jaden would love that!
I’ve thought about this a few times. This is one of those things that comes with the “whole package” of losing someone who goes to war. Especially someone so young and full of life as these young men and women. This is another one of those “emotional booby trap” which come in and attack when I am low or when I catch myself enjoying life a little too much. It tends (to me anyway) to point out another thing or bit that I didn’t know that I had lost and holds an light on the fact that I am just not “carrying on” well enough. I have to collect myself, back up a bit and accept the truth of it all. Just like the same few pictures of him where I see Micheal’s whole self in them, and miss him more and more and just like the pictures are so few and “finite” so is life.
((((((HUGS))))))))
I was sort of thinking along the same thought path as Kara, at first. But then I thought about how amazing you are, and how you would be such strength for his children…to help console them, share memories of him, and in that way be able to keep a part of him alive for all of you. I’m so very sorry that you are suffering yet another loss of what ‘could have been’.
Thank you for once again sharing from your heart. I hope it helps to know we care, and are grateful for his sacrifice, and truly regret the loss your family feels as a result.