Saying Good Bye…

I don’t think I have ever truly said good bye to my son.  There was a moment at the funeral when they had put the casket on the hearse and I wanted with every fiber of my being to walk through the parted crowd and kiss it and say good bye..but someone turned me to express their condolences and I miss my moment to say good bye to my son how I wanted to. That I didn’t push through and take those steps still haunts me.  Oh I had spent time at the funeral home the night before.  But it was that moment I needed to do what my heart begged to do and I didn’t. I hate myself for not walking through that parted crowd. I think fear of falling apart also held me back. I had managed to stay collected on the surface that whole week.  My kids needed me to. I also think I just plain did not want to say goodbye.  Here it is almost 2 years later and I still don’t want to say it. I never said good bye to him in life. It was always “take luck” between us.  I suppose if I try hard enough I can come up with a million reasons why I didn’t walk over to that hearse and say good bye.  I should have done it. He deserved that much from me. I deserved that moment.

I know that to heal this wound I need to find a way to say good bye. To let go of this guilt and hurt. I’m sure the answer will find away to me.  Maybe it’s the barracks sign. Maybe that is why I am so obsessed about getting my hands on it. I don’t know yet but I suppose when the sign is under my finger tips I will know if that is the answer.

In the meantime I will go through my ritual of dusting each item on his memory table and putting it back in exactly the same spot.  I will re-read the letters and hug his uniform shirt then take a deep breath and carry on.

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15 Responses to Saying Good Bye…

  1. Trish Proulx February 1, 2010 at 3:09 pm #

    Knottie, thank you for sharing. I don’t know what to say. All I have to offer is a hug over the distance.

    Take care my friend!

    Prue!

  2. PottyMouthCon February 1, 2010 at 3:17 pm #

    Totally different circumstances, but I lost my brother 10 years ago this month. I am taking the day off and finally going to go visit the site of the wreck.

    I never really said goodbye, either, and truth be told, I’m still angry at him.

    I don’t know if this trip will help or not.

    Thanks for sharing, Ang.

    (((HUGS)))

  3. Lee Jenkins February 1, 2010 at 3:29 pm #

    wow that’s touching!! I have lost people in my life also and it’s never easy but you have no reason to have any regrets because I’m sure He knew you loved him very much and that’s what counts.

  4. JT in OC February 1, 2010 at 3:56 pm #

    Thank you Knottie for sharing. You unknowingly help people that are going through the same thing to not feel alone with the same thoughts. As a teenager, I lost both of my parents and was not able to say goodbye. There was anger for many years, as the years have gone by, I have found ways to change those feelings of regret. Now I help people in similar situations not to have regret when they are in the midst of losing a loved one. I could go on and on. But know that you have friends all over the world giving you virtual hugs and sending prayers your way and know that we are in deep gratitude for your son’s service. Your family has paid the ulitmate price for our freedom and I fear our debt will never be repaid. Thank you Knottie and Phillips family.

  5. usmcwife8999 February 1, 2010 at 4:00 pm #

    I just tried to read this to Greg, I couldn’t. I couldn’t get the words out without crying so I just told him I couldn’t and he read it himself. All I can say is I can not imagine the depth of your grief, your families grief. As you know I have a son, the thought of losing him is unbearable. Your son is in the hall of heroes. I will never forget him although I never knew him personally. I am not sure what happens when we die, but the connection of a mother and her child transends time, and if I am right, he knows everything you need him too.
    (((((HUGS)))))))

  6. Fozzy February 1, 2010 at 4:28 pm #

    I have never said “good bye” to Micheal, because it’s something that I just won’t do. To say good bye is to end something that I will never really allow to be over. Some may think that its a form of psychosis or a delusion. I keep him here with me in my self, my soul and in my dreams and he’ll always be a alive there. It’s kind of selfish too in a way. I do not see him or feel him often, but he still has a lot of places to be and a lot of people who he is helping and who also feel and see him as I do. I treasure each and every chance meeting that I can get. Hell, the other night he and I were fighting werewolves in some apartment complex.. (don’t ask me). The morning after these chance dreams, I awake feeling a little better that the visit happened. I don’t even try to explain them. They are mine, as mine as some of the experiences that we had together as father and son. You cannot say goodbye to someone in your heart, I just doesn’t work that way. You should feel no guilt at all.

  7. Knottie February 1, 2010 at 5:30 pm #

    I think part of it is although we know he is gone from us we can’t and won’t accept it. I know that I still have not and probably never will accept that he was killed. I understand it. I know it but can’t accept it.

  8. Fozzy February 1, 2010 at 8:47 pm #

    Only on this world and plane.. someday, somewhere, we will all be together again. I can hope anyway.

  9. Bill McMicheals February 1, 2010 at 9:16 pm #

    We love ya Knottie !! Thanks for all you do!!

    – Bill

  10. AFSister February 2, 2010 at 12:19 pm #

    *heavy sigh*
    I have no words, Knottie. Your grief is something I hope I never have to endure.. but if I do… I have a great role model.

  11. David M February 2, 2010 at 12:46 pm #

    The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 02/02/2010 News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front.

  12. ~Christie~ February 3, 2010 at 10:24 pm #

    Typing thru tears here…it’s hard to say good-bye when all you want is your loved one back with you. When I saw the tears in my parents eyes when they were handed the flag at my brother’s funeral…WHOA & then the gun salute, it’s so hard to feel that you’re even on this earth at all, you feel displaced. It’s been 10 years & all the precious memories will keep my brother alive in my heart forever…
    may God bless you Knottie to find the pathway to inner peace.

  13. Kanani February 14, 2010 at 1:33 pm #

    “Take luck” is a wonderful thing to say, and I hope you keep on saying it. Perhaps saying good bye was not as important as what you are doing now …saying “take luck” as you dust each item, honoring his spirit that is all around you, sustains you, and enables you to love others. I’m awfully glad you share all this. Blessings, and Happy Valentines Day.

  14. Knottie February 14, 2010 at 8:01 pm #

    I have thought about your comment since you posted it earlier today and all I can think is maybe one of the things that stopped me that day 2 years ago is not knowing what to say in that moment but now thinking about “Take Luck” is exactly what I wanted to tell my son that day. And to promise him I would continue to take care of his brothers in arms to the best of my ability for him.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tweets that mention Saying Good Bye… | Knottie's Niche -- Topsy.com - February 5, 2010

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by ASoldiersMother and Angelia Phillips, Angelia Phillips. Angelia Phillips said: New Blog: Saying Good Bye http://knottiesniche.com/2010/02/01/saying-good-bye/ […]

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