I’m Depressed

I have always believed that admitting a problem is the first step in overcoming it. So I am admitting I suffer from depression.
Some of the symptoms of depression are:

  • Loss of interest in normal daily activities
  • Feeling sad or down
  • Feeling hopeless
  • Crying spells for no apparent reason
  • Problems sleeping
  • Trouble focusing or concentrating
  • Difficulty making decisions
  • Unintentional weight gain or loss
  • Irritability
  • Restlessness
  • Being easily annoyed
  • Feeling fatigued or weak
  • Feeling worthless

There are a few others but only these apply to me. I’m not suicidal or in physical pain. I’m just depressed. I have been for a long time now. And I am fighting it tooth and nail. My husband is depressed too. So most people would assume we have a very gloomy life. We don’t. We have each other and the years of love we have built are probably the only thing that sees us through. I hate that I am this way. I don’t want to be. It affects just about every aspect of my life.

Often I am told I should see the doctor and get a prescription for anti-depression medication. But to me that is just another way of pretending I don’t feel like this instead of dealing with it. that and the side affects of some of those drugs scare me more than the depression itself.

Now don’t get me wrong my depression is not so bad that I can’t cope or function. I do every day. I get up and get the kids to school, clean my house, write, cook, chat with people online.. I even laugh and joke around. But underneath the surface is a sadness and anger I can not seem to shake. It may never go away.. and in a small way i hope it doesn’t. I am however learning to cope. And as much as it all hurts sometimes.. the hurt is better than not being able to feel anything. I was numb long enough, now is the time to feel. And to learn to own these feelings and not allow them to own me.

9 Responses to I’m Depressed

  1. Anonymous August 31, 2009 at 9:20 pm #

    One very brave lady. I salute you.

  2. Dyanna McElwee Vanatta September 1, 2009 at 4:57 am #

    As "anonymous" said….you are very brave. It takes a strong person to admit what you just did. I was diagnosed with depression when I was a young teenager and to me I didn't see the point in taking medication. All that did was mask the problem. It didn't solve it. With love and support from friends and family, and the help of a counselor I was able to overcome it.

    I am very proud of you Ang….

  3. David M September 1, 2009 at 8:08 am #

    The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 09/01/2009 News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front.

  4. HellcatBetty September 2, 2009 at 1:54 am #

    Well, I commend you on being able to admit it to yourself and to your readers. It's a good first step. I am one of those doped up on happy pills types. I've been on depression meds for about 10 years now. Some of them worked some of them didn't. Interestingly enough, I seemed to really level out after getting married. But big stressors and traumatic events just compound the problem. IMHO, you're doing pretty darn well considering what you've been through. And I have no doubt that you will continue to improve and succeed. You are a beautiful, strong lady.

  5. HellsFury September 2, 2009 at 11:33 am #

    In whatever way you can, I believe it's a big step you've taken here, talk about what you feel to any and every one who will listen. You can also contact giveanhour.org. They have counselors that you can call or go see once a week, free to veterans/active members and their families and gold star families/friends. Keep talking/keep blogging. There are people who care!

  6. Dixie Adkins Smith September 2, 2009 at 2:48 pm #

    It is so hard to make the transition from numb to dealing with grief. But I think it's important to actually "feel" rather than mechanically go through the motions of everyday living.

    I recently stopped taking the pills … deciding that it was my turn to battle the grief rather than helping the rest of the family grieve. It's been 3 years, and I still can't open boxes containing things that once belonged to my Father.

    Actually grieving is a harsh reality, but much better than remaining numb … pushing it down into my subconscious where I don't have to confront it.

    Before he died, he gave me some things that I put into a drawer when I got home. I opened the drawer on Monday, and held his emerald ring and just let myself cry for a while. It was … liberating … in a way. It reminded me of "The Secret of NIMH" … Mrs. Brisby comes to realize the power within herself. "Courage of the heart is very rare; the stone has a power when it's there."

    I know I have more work to do with this, but it was an important first step for me. I hope that something I said might help you in some small way.

    Your sacrifice is very much appreciated, Angelina. I hope your journey to peace is as short as possible.


  7. Karie September 3, 2009 at 7:30 pm #

    Good for you. I think your feelings are very much justified and you are handling them very well. I hope with time you start to feel better.

  8. A Soldier's Mother September 4, 2009 at 4:08 am #

    In another life (before we moved to Israel), I worked for a psychiatrist and learned quite a bit about depression. To simplify things, there are two types of depression – chemical and I guess the other would be situational or emotional.

    I don't know that drugs are the answer to situational or emotional depression, while drugs are probably more necessary for chemical depression. I'm not a doctor, but this is what I remember.

    There is no way, if you are sane, that you could not be depressed. At the same time, you point to all the things that prove it is likely not chemical – you are functioning. You are giving love and receiving it (from your family, from your friends, and hopefully you feel it from all of us who read your blog and wish we could find better words to offer our support).

    I think everyone gets depressed now and then in life – but this is not what is happening to you. I wish I could lie or didn't know what I have come to learn from others…but basically, as a friend who had lost his son told me a while ago, he is learning to live with "chronic pain." Sherri Mandel, whose son Kobi was murdered at age 14 in a terrorist attack called it "traumatic bereavement." Sudden, without warning and something she (and you and your husband and family) will deal with for the rest of your life.

    All that you do – the blog, working with other military families and keeping the connection, and writing this post – are all parts of learning to live with Micheal's death and the legacy he has left for you.

    I won't tell you that you are brave or strong because you may not be feeling that you are. You want to say you are just coping and doing what you have to do.

    But there are people who stop coping, people who stop functioning. People who stop living in the moment they learn someone they love has died.

    For most people, myself included – just coping is a gift, a sign of bravery. Continuing to love, to be a mother, to cook, to clean – are signs that no matter what comes at you, your faith, your love of life and family – you will not be defeated.

    I have never met you and yet I feel so close to you. Please know that there is a world of people who care and will do whatever we can…to help you push the depression away, to continue to live, to love, to remember Micheal and preserve his memory.

    Shabbat shalom – a peaceful weekend to you and yours.


  9. Greta Perry September 15, 2009 at 9:22 pm #

    You are loved! If you don't sleep well, that can cause depression and/or make it worse. You might want to explore that angle. sweet dreams my friend!

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