Most days I put on a pretty strong front when it comes to Pokey. I talk about him and share who he was as much as I can. I miss him ever second of every day but there are moments when the emptiness overwhelms me. Usually it’s just a moment. I will come across a picture and am reminded that no he is not still in Iraq doing the job he so loved or that he won’t laugh again like he is in another picture. Today the moment hit me. Maybe it was dusting his things that tittered me over the edge maybe it is the constant harassment and allegations a certain group of people have bombarded me with lately. Maybe it’s letting down the guard I have had up through the holidays. Not sure why but here I sat on the phone with a dear friend and all I wanted to do was go hide so I could have a good cry and miss my son. So I got off the phone and had my moment.
Why am I sharing this with you? Simple.. many people have gotten the idea I have no emotions about my son. That I am simply cold and unfeeling. They mistake private with cold. When it comes to my tears those are mine and mine alone. I do not display them publicly. In all honesty I don’t even call my dearest friends to share my tears. Never once have I nor will I. I also want others to know that even though some people think I am this incredibly strong person. As I said it’s just a front. I am just as human as anyone else and the pain and hurt is just as real to me. I was once told I was handling this all so well… I am not handling this well. I just chose not to behave badly.
So I am now back to being Knottie and helping with homework, researching the guest for tonight’s show, planning an article that has to be written for tomorrow, preparing to put content up on another website and cooking dinner.
If I keep busy enough the walls stay in place longer and I have fewer moments.